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This is my blog. It’s called “The Process” because it’s going to be more of a collection of work-in-progress material from my stand-up than a standard blog.
Some jokes/skits are likely to never be seen or heard of again. Most of the material I’m going to share with you will be topical or material with a shelf life, but don’t hold me to that. I’ll try and include videos of me trying out material I’ve posted on here, because I think the performance is often as important as the writing. I will be throwing in the occasional podcast and comic strip…
This first excerpt is about the death of Col. Gaddafi. The majority of the jokes are made about his appearance and the his corpse being televised. I think this stems from a jealousy I have for him; his bloody corpse being dragged through the streets of Tripoli got higher ratings than my appearance on “Show me the Funny”. Also, his death was un-edited on TV, whilst my set on TV was cut up to make it look like I’d died in almost as horrendously a manner. Am I likening the death of a despot to my brief stint on TV? …yes.
So Gaddafi’s dead. Did they really have to drag him through the streets and broadcast it on national television? It was breaking news, it interrupted me watching TV with my six year old niece. She burst into tears, she thought they’d killed and shaved Bagpuss.
Am I the only one who likes his murderous bastards buried at sea while we’re all sleeping? They’ve ruined the magic. It’s like seeing your parents drag that half wrapped sack of Toys R Us crap out of the wardrobe on Christmas morning, not even bothering to fasten the fake beard. They’ve ruined the magic of democracy.
They just threw his body on a mattress and showed it to the world. They just showed us the aftermath, we didn’t even get to see the part where Gaddafi climbed out of his skin to reveal his actual giant cockroach form before being blown apart in a fight against Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones. It’s a shame they didn’t take him alive as I was really looking forward to seeing Shaggy, Velma, Fred, Daphne and Scooby all crowded around him tugging at his face.
He had plastic surgery 16 years ago, they secretly flew in Brazilian plastic surgeons to Libya. He told the surgeons he didn’t want his troops to see him “as an old man”. Clearly there was a mistranslation into portuguese, because the surgeons must have thought he said he didn’t want his troops to see him “as human”. They gave him a choice of what work he would like done to his face. “I can see you’ve chosen the mashed potato in a used condom look for your face there”. I’m expecting to see an influx of Gaddafi masks this Halloween, mainly because they can’t think what to do with all the excess skin that wouldn’t fit in his coffin. After such heavy cosmetic surgery his face had less human DNA than his waxwork in Madame Tussauds, which was originally a waxwork of Mexican guitarist Carlos Santana which they left too close to a spotlight one evening.
Maybe it’s in bad taste to joke about a dead man, but I think it’s in bad taste to parade Gaddafi’s corpse like a piñata on television then show bulldozers demolishing his former stronghold in Tripoli. Many people in the UK following the situation in Libya were confused as to why he chose to set up his fortress in Tripoli, one of the toppings in Pizza Express. Others tuning in late to see the devastation wondered why this episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was intercut with cheering Libyans, spitting on what appeared to be a walrus wrapped in rags.
Bonfire night has just been. A night when the british celebrate a failed act of terrorism by making an effigy of Guy Fawkes. Thereby dispelling his undesirable spirit, that’s traditionally what it meant. Is he really so undesirable, I’d much rather his ghost around than one of someone who succeeded in their monstrous tasks whilst living. I don’t want Saddam’s poltergeist hanging around, “For the last time Saddam, I don’t care if it is Movember, you’re scaring the kids, my six year old niece thinks they’ve hanged super mario”.
I can imagine they’ll be having their own bonfire night in Libya, every October 20th. It should be easy for them, really. Gaddafi looks like he was made for papier-mâché, it may be too lifelike. Maybe we could sell them fireworks, it’s got to be moderately less dangerous than all the guns we sold them. I think this could be a good idea, but I hope they don’t televise it during the day, I don’t want to have to explain to my niece why they burn Bagpuss in Libya every year.
I love how my niece watches Bagpuss and plays Super-Mario, it’s like she’s from the past. She also enjoys playing with her slinky, listening to pop songs on the wireless and living in a world where you can get a job after graduating from university. I was writing a joke about the klu klux klan burning crosses but I couldn’t think of a retro reference for my fictional niece other than she thinks the klu klux klan are wizards. Terrible, terrible wizards. Do you think that’s maybe what they are, party magicians for racists?
(American Deep South Accent)
“Marvel at my powers as I set this cross on fire! For my next trick I’m going to make all the black people disappear!”
(Another American Deep South Accent)
“Yeah, uh… I want my money back. This is nearly as bad as the time I hired that Santana tribute act for my wedding reception and that Libyan Colonel showed up.”
A bit of me performing the bit:
I performed this material four times. Twice as a stand alone 10 minute set in new material gigs and twice as part of longer sets at professional nights. The clip I’ve included was shot when I snuck onto a new material night called “Below The Deck” in Cardiff run by a comedian called Leroy Brito, it was the first performance of my ‘Gaddafi set’ and the crowd were great. My camera’s battery died about two minutes into the recording so you’re only getting a sample I’m afraid. The set is now as dead as Gaddafi.
Next time on “The Process”! - I’m going to tackle my appearance on “Show Me The Funny” definitively. I’m sick of talking about it and although I’ve written some great material about my comedic low point, not enough people watched the show for me to justify using the material regularly. There’s a lot of bitterness I need to get out of my system so I think you need some time to prepare. Yay! Exciting right?!